The Targian calendar

This morning a message was sent by the Light. The Light is implementing a new calendar for all Targians. Until now, Targia has had the Gregorian calendar like all the other nations in the UBN. This means the new year starts on January first. We have been celebrating traditional holidays like Easter and Christmas. But by order of the Light, this ends now. In the message, he stated that following the Gregorian calendar is for sheep. By celebrating the same days and being in sync with the other countries, we are losing our own important traditions and values.

That’s why our great leader and Alpha males had a gathering to talk about a new calendar. Negotiations lasted for hours. Each alpha male was allowed to present their ideas. In the end, leader Tate Junior of course had the final say on which ideas would make it to the calendar. However, there was one day of the year that was non-negotiable. From now on, the new year starts on our original great leader Tate’s birthday. On the Gregorian calendar, this would be the sixth of December.

The official calendar will be introduced soon, but some changes have already been announced. The names of days will no longer be: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. From now on we say: Lightday, Tateday, Alphaday, Choriday, Liftday, Trainday and Warday. New rules will be implemented on certain days. For instance, there will be no eating anything other than chorizo on choriday. People getting caught eating something else like salad on Choriday will be fined. On Warday we do anything but rest. On Trainday every male inhabitant of Targia, starting from the age of 5, will have to do at least three workouts. This will make sure that all our males stay fit and look like real men.

The Targian Calendar and explanation of all changes and rules will be delivered to your doorsteps. Read everything carefully. May you all see the light, fellow Targians, and for now: enjoy your Wednesday.